Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
concern
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
$4 #usedbooks
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Are we there yet?…
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle