Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*