Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
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Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
It do be feeling this way.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
LOL
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.