Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
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Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Fries, not lies.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
sigh
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!