Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
You Might Also Like
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My life coach traded me.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin