Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
You Might Also Like
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?