Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.