Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
These 3D printers are insane!
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”