Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers