Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.