Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
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“What movie?” 🤔
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge