Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
this is funnier than any friends episode
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist