@Only_Fast_Eddie: Some women have mood swings... others have mood theme parks.
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@Coolisiana: "Alright they've left for vacation lets rob em" Oh shoot their porch lights are on "So what we literally watched them leave" Rules are rules
@DurtMcHurtt: [meeting girlfriend at the park] Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic! Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let's do this.
@KalvinMacleod: [Christmas] 6:30—kids are excited 7:30—kids are playing 8:00—kids are fighting 9:00—kids are crying 9:15—wife is yelling 9:30—I am drinking
@kyry5: One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.