I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
SPLOOT
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds