*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
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My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I’m pretty like a car crash.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it