The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
There’s always that one guy
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back