My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Breaking news:
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork