@AGreaterMonster: Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.
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@WilliamAder: I'm no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes
@batkaren: Sharing a bed should be like boxing: • meet in middle • fist-bump • put in mouthguards • go to separate corners • no touching until 1st bell