@AGreaterMonster: Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.
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@dafloydsta: [on unemployment] WIFE: So what'd you do all day? [the dog walks by dressed as a spider] ME: Looked for a job
@Reverend_Scott: [at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
@TweetingDadGuy: When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
@dshack8: I live by 2 simple rules: 1. Don't treat people like shit. 2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.