me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
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[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
groan^2
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog