Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
You Might Also Like
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.