Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
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When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer