Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today