@HockeyGoddess24: Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.
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@3sunzzz: [notice son's not home] [text] Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11! 17: You were my ride. Me: Oh. Where are you again?
@djdavemichaels: Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
@wolfpupy: ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
@NicestHippo: [doing standup] So I live in Kansas— [hysterical laughter] That…that wasn't the joke