i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
🤔😂😂
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?