ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Sign of the day..
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
you stereotypes are all alike
🔦🌙👣
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”