I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
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Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.