@drhappyknuckles: Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
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@alfageeek: Remember: If you don't post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
@djdarrellripley: Me: I've finally finished that jigsaw puzzle! Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months! Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
@laurenlapkus: I'm not kidding Santa is waiting outside my house til it's "late enough" to go down my chimney