Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
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Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
That’s fair
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.