whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower