@michaelianblack: Somebody PLEASE come to my house and plug the power cord into my laptop.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@jwoodham: Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
@AndyAsAdjective: [at checkout counter] Would ya like to donate $1 to- -No But you didn't let me finish -Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth? No -Then no
@lovemydogduck: I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
@jimmytorosian: Me: I just souped up my car Person: What kind of engine did you put in it? *cut to me filling my car with tomato soup* Me: Um... A fast one.