I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
You Might Also Like
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands