Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
All set.
O Wise One….
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.