What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 馃鈿★笍
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world鈥檚 most delicious cheeseburger?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Worth a try
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I鈥檓 never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
crying
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”