[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
🤣
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night