SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl