Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.