@QwertyJones3: Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it's cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
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@youngkrazz: Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you're not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
@theshamingofjay: I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.
@LackOfShame: I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.
@PaperWash: If your online dating profile says "I don't have sex on the first date" then that's why you're on a dating website.