@QwertyJones3: Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it's cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
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@causticbob: I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs. So far I've got 50,000 signatures.
@GuyEndoreKaiser: If you're feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you!
@SCbchbum: Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”