Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
pizza
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
HR said no more nunchucks.