Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does