genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.