Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I have questions??
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.