Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
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Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me buying fruit and veg
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency