@sirmunchie: Someday, my kids will say "daddy, wanna hear a cool story" and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.
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@Shock_Monster: HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for? Me: Fire My Lazy Ass? HR: ... Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that's inappropriate.
@alfageeek: 9: My room is clean. Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
@simoncholland: You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
@Beesthegame: Man: I'd like an order of buffalo wings Bartender: sorry, we don't serve food here *a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*