@HousewifeOfHell: Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
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@envydatropic: Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
@fireland: One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I'm just listing things.
@PinkCamoTO: *out for dinner with friends* Me: I'm going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon. Waiter: Don't you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons? Me: You heard me.
@stephenjmolloy: Me with megaphone: "COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR." Man: "I'm fixing your roof tiles, remember?" Me: "I FORGOT!"