@HousewifeOfHell: Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
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@rose24_em: 21st century divorce: I want it stipulated that he can't change the Netflix password.
@lisaxy424: I'm going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
@KeetPotato: [gets pulled over] cop: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" [i've swapped places with the dog] me: "answer the man"