Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me too 😆
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?