“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.