@cloudypianos: "someday this will all be yours" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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@seamussaid: my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
@Parkerlawyer: Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn't even know this rage inside me existed.
@tiffaynay: Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like? Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries. BK: What? Me: *more forcefully* fries.
@BMCarbaugh: At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread