“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Sticker placement is key.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy