Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
*Inspirational Tweets*
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that