Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
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In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*