Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
This cat wants you to take your pills
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.