Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
me and my fake scenarios
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.