@ValGyorgy: Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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@david8hughes: [phone rings] "Is your refrigerator running?" *looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon* "I don't know what he's doing anymore."
@BlindVigil: Q: "How long were you at your last job?" A: "Seven-and-a-half inches... same as now"
@Izianikapani: I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn't be able to stop until I'd added glasses and a moustache.
@NYC_Blonde: I want what any normal girl wants in life... A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.