Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
You Might Also Like
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names