*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”